Yes! God has blessed us with our 7th little life. We are pregnant! We have four babies in heaven, our miracle children Ford and Milly, and now this new life in my womb. Seven is the number of perfection in the Bible:) I am only about 6 weeks pregnant. Some might wonder, "Why share so early, especially when you know you have a high chance of miscarriage with your chromosome condition (Balanced Reciprocal Translocation of the 2nd and 18th chromosomes - my chromosomes are a bit wacky, explaining my wackiness:) ) ?" On the other hand, we have grown to say, "We must share the news, because we can't walk this road alone. We need our family, friends, and community around us and praying." So, we are letting the news "out" - we are expecting!! We have had 3 blood tests for my hormone levels, and they looked great. They went from 612 to 1200 to 8816 in a span of 5 days. Yikes. That makes my short and agitated attitude more justifiable. Ha. Ha. We also have had one sonogram, and the little that Dr. Dietze could see looked good. We have another sonogram on Thursday, May 14, and we should see a heart beat by that point. Of course, we are already nervous about that appointment. Sonograms have been the source of great pain for us, but we are so thankful for all of the beautiful sonograms we had with our Milly, who is now 2 1/2 and feisty and "wacky" like her mama. Stephen and I have been nervous to engage in these 2 weeks of pregnancy because we want to avoid pain and guard our hearts. But, God has begun to lead us to embrace and enjoy this little gift in my womb. We have always given our babies little "pet names" when we've been pregnant so as to have a name to call them. It has helped us to bond with the baby in womb and to really cherish our four children once we miscarried. Our first we called Buddy, but when we found out it was a girl after she was tested following the D & C procedure, we named her Buddy Grace. Our second baby, which we never found out the sex of, we named Mary Ella after my great Aunt (Goggy's sister) Mary Ella, who died right when we miscarried. Our third we called Tiger. This was probably the hardest of all the miscarriages, not that any weren't extremely hard, because we saw Tiger's heartbeat a couple of times and even saw him wiggle his little fanny. I will never forget that special sonogram moment. I am getting a tear in my eye thinking of it now. Tiger was tested after I miscarried, and he was a boy, with chromosome abnormalities as well. His full name is Tiger Rushing Phelan, Rushing being Stephen's grandmother's last name who died right when we miscarried. Our fourth we named Wilbur Herman Phelan after Stephen's grandad Wilbur Herman Carlisle who died around the time we miscarried. We call him "God's Will." It was almost like God gave our precious babies loved ones to go Home with. We called Milly "Sibby" while she was in my womb since she was Ford's sibling. So, we came up with a name on our date this past Friday night. We are calling this baby "Easter" while it's in our womb because God gave it to us around Easter. This will not be the real name for this little one when he comes into the world:) "We just told Ford and Milly about the baby in Mama's tummy this morning, and they both have seemed to understand as much as they can about Easter. Ford said as I tucked him in tonight, "I want to hold my baby." It was a special time when they touched my tummy with Daddy and prayed for the new baby.
As I type, the song "Blessed Be Your Name" just came on Pandora. com. This song has meant a lot to us (Thanks, Janna). One line says, "When the darkness closes in, still I will say, 'Blessed be Your Name." That is tough to do, but we long to always say those words from our heart. Another line in the song that comes from the book of Job says, "You give and take away. Blessed be Your Name."Job 1:21
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
That's a tough verse, because I know God doesn't cause miscarriages. Miscarriages weren't intended for the Garden of Eden that God created us for or for our true Home one day in the new heavens and new earth.
Isaiah 65
17 "'Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. 19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. 20 Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; 23 They will not toil in vain or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them. 24 Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. 25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent's food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,' says the LORD." I can't wait until that day - no more tears or death! I do, however, know that God allowed our miscarriages here on earth, and I have surely wrestled with Him, thanks to my most amazing counselor, Diana, helping me learn to do this. I also know that He powerfully turns the table on the evil of miscarriage and brings about good and glory far beyond our understanding. Our 2 miracles, Ford and Milly, are proof of that. Our pastor Dick Kaufmann and his wonderful wife Liz, have wept on our shoulders with us after our miscarriages, and Dick said though tears, "The cross is proof that God can mysteriously turn the table on evil. The most evil event in all of history, the Son of God being crucified, was transformed in to the most glorious event in all of history for us who believe in Jesus as our great Savior and Friend." So, we have asked God to help us bless His Name after our four children have been "taken away" from my womb and taken to heaven early, and we surely blessed His name after we received the greatest phone call of our lives from Grace, our social worker at Bethany Christian Service, on February 9, 2006 - "A birth mother has picked your portfolio, and you have a son, and he was born YESTERDAY!" Stephen thought I had accepted some timeshare or something, because I kept saying ecstatically, "YES! YES! WE are in!! Yes. We accept. We are coming!" We also surely blessed God's Name after Milly Carlisle Phelan was born healthily on November 24, 2006. God has blessed us above or beyond what we could have ever asked for or imagined. And, He has carried us through the valleys of grief.
So...here we are again. I went to see my counselor Diana today, and I am so thankful for her life-changing words of wisdom and Truth that she shared with me today. I want to share them with you:
"Love hurts. We see that on the cross. I see a fearless boldness in the way you love that is Gospel-centered. This is evidenced in the way you have shared Ford's adoption story with him and tried to help him know his birth parents, and in all of your pregnancies. Embrace Easter. It's scary because love hurts and the outcome of this pregnancy is not a sure thing. But, God has given you little Easter, and how are you going to steward this gift? Speak to Easter's spirit because when a baby is conceived it has a spirit, and spirit communicates with spirit. Pray for all the things parents would pray for in any pregnancy. Sing over Easter.
Grief over a lost child shows that the child had an impact on you, and the grief shows respect to that child and says, 'There was a child and I entered in.' Bradford, your four miscarried children changed your life. You are a different person because of their lives. In a culture that devalues life - babies are left in dumpsters, Octomom, abortion - you can show the value of life by embracing Easter and sharing this little life with others and by nurturing its precious life in your womb. John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth's womb when he heard the news of Jesus' upcoming birth. Babies are very aware in the womb. You and Stephen are investing in a life that you are going to see in eternity one day. Imagine the day when y'all see your 4 miscarried babies in heaven. Maybe they'll relay to you how you ministered to them while they were with you in your womb. What other options do you have besides embracing Easter but backing off and distancing yourself? No. ENJOY AND INVEST in Easter. Pray for holy boldness to love this child. It's a joyful time. You are pregnant! Why not enjoy this time? Ford and Milly can even minister to their brother or sister (Ford thinks it's a boy and Milly thinks it's a girl) as they sing songs to the baby."
[Quick side note about Milly's songs that she sings: I overheard Milly today singing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" with a new twist. "Mary had to disobey, disobey, disobey. Mary had to disobey, (and I couldn't quite understand her mumbled last verse)." She's our typical second child who pushes the limits and kinda likes to disobey Mama and Daddy.]
Back to Diana's last words from our session: "Dan Allender says that "Denial" is creating a reality of your own and asking God to bless it. "Reality" is where you are, and God is a God of reality and is there with you. We should want to be where God is now - in reality. God has been glorified in your losses, adoption, and birth and we've seen Him, and we ask that He'll be glorified in this pregnancy and that we,too, will SEE HIM."
Pray for us and Easter. We all need your prayers. Pray that God will be glorified, that we'll see more of His love. Pray that we'll have the fearless, holy boldness to love, enjoy, and invest in Easter, and that we will hold Easter come early January. Thanks for reading my first blog post. I won't always write this much:) And thank you, ERIN, for creating our Phelan Phamily Phun blog. You are so creative and we are grateful! B
