Our Little Miracle is Processing A Lot!

We had a sweet night with Ford tonight. We have wanted to give Ford the opportunity to talk about Rachel or process his visit while it's fresh on his mind, if he wants to, never to force him to do so. Liz Kaufmann suggested we might do "art therapy" with him to help him process the visit. So, God gave me the idea of making a book, with the whole family, of our "Los Angeles trip." (Hilarious side note - Ford started calling Los Angeles "Alex City" for some reason. L.A. and sweet little Alex City, AL aren't exactly the same, but it warmed our hearts to hear him shout as he looked at the skyscrapers of L.A. out the car window, "Ook at Alex City, Mom and Dad!") Anyway, I developed all of the pics from our trip - ice skating, spending the night with Lisa and Harrison, fun at the Santa Monica Pier, and the visit with Rachel. I used to make books like this with my 1st grade class. So, Ford and Milly dictated what I should write under each photo, which I had taped on card stock. They then taped an "emotions face" that I had made by each picture, expressing how they felt in those pictures. One picture was of Ford and me on a roller coaster over the Pacific Ocean at the Santa Monica pier. Crazy, huh? But, our dare devil actually said he was a little "scared" on the "up and down hill" part, so we put a scared face on that page. So, here is what he said when we got to the pictures of our time with Rachel: "Thank you, Aunt Rachel, for the Hot Wheels thing and my monster jammies. " On the next page, there was a picture of just Ford and Rachel. We didn't get them to pose for this. I just snapped a candid while they were waiting for Milly to get in the picture with them. So, this is what Ford said for how he was feeling in this picture: "I am mad." So, I listened and waited and then asked, "Do you know why you are mad?" He couldn't articulate it at first. I then asked again, "Do you know why your heart is mad about this picture?" He said, "Because I don't like Rachel." Me: "Okay. (Pause) Do you know why you don't like her?" Ford couldn't come up with an answer at first, but then he so tenderly said, "Because I like Mama and Daddy." Wow. I had to hold back the tears. That made sense. He is soooo sweet, and Stephen and I both melted as we heard him say this. Ford then added, "And I like Ginnylu and Daisy (Lisa and Harrison's adorable daughters) and Jo Jo (his new nickname for Virginia Grace) and Milly." He then proceeded to place the "mad face" on top of Rachel's face. "I want to put it over Rachel's face. I don't want any more pictures of Rachel." Stephen said, "I like Rachel. I like Emmy, too (Rachel's friend that was in one of the pictures from the visit)." I wanted to give him the freedom to feel how was feeling and yet speak highly of Rachel like Stephen had done, so I said gently said, "Ford, it's okay to not like Rachel." And a little later I added, "Rachel is a wonderful lady." Stephen and I want to communicate to Ford that he is ALWAYS our son and we are ALWAYS his Mama and Daddy and he will never leave us, in case he might be wondering if Rachel will ever be his mother someday. I don't know what he was thinking or is thinking, but we need to make sure that he knows he will NEVER leave our family. He knows our incredible DEEP love for him and we know his deep love for us. We love our little miracle. So, please pray for him as he is processing a lot right now. And pray for us to have wisdom. If you have any suggestions on how we should follow up with what he said tonight, please email me your thoughts. We are seeking wise counsel:) We don't want to talk about the visit much more or overdo it. Just want to do and say as the Spirit leads.
Thanks again for walking this journey with us, for reading my processing thoughts about all of this, and for LOVING our buddy Ford!
B

The Gift of Our Adoption - Our Visit Went Well

Well, our visit with Ford's birthmother, Rachel, was good and hard. Thank you all for your prayers. We felt carried by them, for sure. God was present with each one of us. HE gave Ford, Rachel, and us strength. He even moved in Milly's heart at the end of the visit to blow Rachel a kiss, which then Ford followed with his tender "blowing her a kiss." It was all sort of surreal.
Ford was shy at first, understandably so, and Rachel was so understanding and was respectful of him and us the whole time. He warmed up as he rode his bike without training wheels down a big grassy hill (he has no fear), with his Daddy running by his side. He even began looking back at Rachel and me to make sure we were watching:) Rachel so generously poured gifts on Ford, Milly, and Virginia Grace as well as "Mom and Dad", as she strategically wrote on the outside of our gift, I think as a way to respectfully say to us, "YOU are His mama and daddy." The gifts were so thought out - cozy boy PJs for Ford, which he hugged tightly after opening them and which he wore them the next 2 nights in a row, matching outfits in the right sizes for Milly and VG, the coolest Hot Wheels case and Hot Wheels for Ford, and an academic puzzle and about 20 academic CDs and DVDs for him (she is a part-time Kindergarten aid, and her teacher created this CD/DVD series for learning to read, which she was so excited to give Ford). She obviously cares so much for him, and wants to be a part of his academic development. She also gave Milly a praying doll, that prays when its hands touch together, and Virginia Grace a cuddly caterpillar. She gave Stephen and me four Christmas books to read to the kiddos. Thoughtful beyond belief. Rachel let us know this visit that she is on welfare, has no health insurance, and she and her 5 children (all from her ex-husband) were "homeless for 4 months." Their apartment building got foreclosed, so the 6 of them had to split up. Her oldest two sons, Gabriel, 19, and Jonathan, 18, went to live with their grandmother (her ex-husband's mom), who takes them to church with her :) , and she and her 3 daughters, Sarah, 16, Rebekah, 15, and Hannah, 13, lived with different friends for those 4 months. Now the 3 girls and Rachel are renting 1 room in a friend's house. It is so sobering to hear all of this from this precious woman who so selflessly chose to give her child to our family. Rachel told me that Michael, Ford's birthfather, and she had a falling out and haven't spoken since January. Michael got married and has a newborn daughter. Michael did ask Rachel to let her know when Bethany Christian Services contacted her about our next visit, but Rachel's computer crashed and she lost all of his contact info. I am comforted to know that he does want to keep up with Ford, even if it is just through letters and pictures. Rachel doesn't have a car, so her best friend, Emmy, drove her and was a sweet part of our visit. So, Emmy, Rachel, Stephen, and I held hands in a circle of love and prayed to our Father, who adopted each one of us. After we all had said goodbye and Ford and Milly had blown their kisses, God put it on my heart to give Rachel a hug, from one Mom to another, and I had the privilege of sharing these words with her from deep within my heart: "Rachel, Stephen and I admire you so much. You are such a courageous, selfless woman, and we can never thank you enough for choosing to preserve Ford's life and for giving him to us." Tears were filling my eyes, and hers, I think. We parted ways, and in the safety of my warm car, that I don't take for granted, knowing that Rachel does not have a car, the tears began streaming down my face. Ford could not see my tears, but if he had, I would have told them that they were "happy tears", as we call some tears. They were also sad tears. Happy for the indescribable gift of Ford and for the inexpressible gift of my own adoption into God's family. As my across the street 90-year-old, saint-like neighbor, Maria, always says repetitively in response to what Jesus has done for us, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Please continue to pray for sweet Ford as he processes this past week and as he is beginning to understand his adoption. Our prayer is that he will be proud of it and see it as such a special, unique part of his story. Please also lift up Rachel and Ford's 5 half siblings, and Michael, Ford's birthfather, and his daughter/Ford's new half sister.
Many thanks for walking through this wonderful journey with us. We are grateful for each one of you, our amazing family and community. May we all understand this Christmas the amazing grace of our own adoption into God's family. Ford's precious, miraculous life reminds us of that daily.

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " ~Romans 8:15

Please Pray For Our Visit with Ford's Birthmother, Rachel

Friday at 2:30 pacific time, we will be meeting with Ford's
birthmother, Rachel, at the park near L.A. where we have met her in
the past. We cherish your prayers. The last time we visited her was
spring, 2009, right after Ford had turned 3. He's now almost 5 (how
can that be:) ). He is much more aware and his sweet little heart is
processing so much. When we told him that we were going to visit his
birthmother Rachel, he told us that he didn't want to visit her. When
we asked him "Why?", he said, "I liked her as a baby, but I don't like
her now." I told him that she loves him very much. He told us the
next time that our upcoming visit came up, "I don't know Rachel. I
know Aunt Rachel (Rachel Fairly Robinson)." Stephen told him that
she is a wonderful lady and that he grew inside her tummy and that he
thought he'd like her. Ford has the sweetest little heart - he
replied after thinking about it for a while, "Okay, Daddy. I will
like Rachel." The next night, Stephen asked Ford and Milly if they were excited to go ice skating the next day. They both instantly said, “Yes!” Then Ford added, “And we are going to see my birthmother, Rachel. But…I only like Michael.” (his birthfather who we haven’t mentioned in almost a year). I called our adoption agency after these convos this
past week to ask them if we might ought to cancel our visit. We don't
want to force these visits on him. After much counsel and prayer, we
believe it is best to go through with this visit on Friday. We are
going ice skating with the Howards in Santa Monica after the visit (we
are so excited, Lisa) so Ford has something fun to look forward to
tomorrow. He is the most resilient, loving little guy, so we have no
doubt that he will be so fine during the visit. We will be the
nervous ones, and I imagine Rachel will be, too. Pray for us all. If
Ford decides next year that he doesn't want to go, we most likely
won't go because he will clearly remember our visit on Friday and will
be old enough to have strong feelings about these visits. Thank you
for walking through our wonderful journey of adopting Ford and raising
him. He is such a gift to us all! Thank God with us for the miracle
of his precious life and thank Him for so generously giving Ford to
the Phelan Phamily.

Virginia Grace's Fangs, just in time for Halloween

Fall Memories 2010

From first day of school to the pumpkin patch to acting out Bible stories to soccer games and football spirit...we have had a great fall.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Summer 2010 at OneTrueMedia.com

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Our Father's Day at Coronado Beach.

We all LOVE our DADDY!!!!

Phelan Family Spring Photos

A wonderful man at our church, Scott Bennett, took these family photos in our backyard. Ford was 4, Milly 3 1/2, and Virginia Grace was 4mos. Make sure that you turn the volume down on the OneTrueMedia slide show or mute all volume.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Virginia Grace's GIGGLE Box - 6/15/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

VG is constantly entertained by her Big Bro and Big Sis. Her contagious laughter (I think she got her Daddy's laugh) is encouraging their silly acts. The video is actually only 3 mins. It got copied twice for some reason.  You'll need scroll down to the very bottom of the page to pause the music on "Bradford Phelan's Playlist" so you can hear the video better.  Hope you get a good laugh out of this.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Mingling of Tears

I had a special moment at church that I wanted to journal about. During one of the last worship songs, I looked over and saw a precious woman named Marisela crying, hands raised in true worship of her King. Her crying got more and more intense, from gladness or sorrow, I couldn't tell. It was touching my heart and drawing me to worship in my own heart. And then, the Holy Spirit whispered to my soul, "Walk over to her side and hug her." Yikes. But, it was clear that I was to do so. My good friend next to me had just asked to hold Virginia Grace, so my arms were free to hug. I tiptoed over to dear Marisela, whose eyes were closed, lost in her Savior, and I just wrapped my arms around her and gave her a squeeze from above. She opened her tear-filled eyes, and I whispered the words from the previous song, "Su fidelidad es grande." ("God's faithfulness is so great.") Marisela gave me an incredible gift - her tears. None of us like to share tears, rather smiles. Her shared tears bonded our hearts in a unique way. As our cheeks touched, our tears mingled. It was supernatural. It was a beautiful picture of what is to come - "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb." ~Revelation 7:9
Our church, Harbor church, was created because God gave us a vision to "bridge race, class, and culture" and to give us a foretaste of what is to come, described above. This moment was a powerful "bridging" moment. The older grandmother and younger mother, the Hispanic woman and suburban Caucasian rascal, a wise teacher and the growing student. It warms my heart to see Virginia Grace wrapped up in Marisela's shawl after church. These two have bonded as you can see in the picture. V G took an hour and a half nap nestled in Marisela's arms, shawl encasing her. I am thankful for the diverse Body of Christ and for the Spirit who prompts us to move, giving us the beauty of moments like this one.

Our Three Little Rascals

FORD PHELAN

Ford is our lover of BUGS and icky creatures! Yuck! He's had up to 5 or so snails on his face at once. What kind of mama lets her son cover himself with snail slime? Ford is also our social fella. He loves his neighborhood playgroup buddies. He just LOVES people in general! He's such a gift to all of us who adore him.

MILLY CARLISLE

Milly loves to be silly with Mama. As the middle child, she cherishes her "Mama/Milly Time." We had a blast playing with shaving cream in the sink and making it "snow" by clapping our shaving cream covered hands together.

Milly is ALL GIRL and is our shyer child. She blesses us with her compassionate heart and her contagious belly laugh. She is also becoming a fine little artist. It warmed my heart when she informed me that she had drawn a brain on her picture of me:) That'll boost a mama's confidence.

VIRGINIA GRACE

One of Virginia Grace's greatest talents currently is sleeping. She is sleeping through the night like a champ. Stephen always describes her as an angel. Our Hispanic friend calls her "muy tranquila."


She is constantly entertained by her active older brother and sister. Ford and Milly have a new nickname for her - "Gingy." They adore Gingy so much so that they rarely give her any personal space. She is a trooper. She is tough. She is our chubby JOY.

Our Easter!

Our "Easter" is 15 weeks old today, and we are all in love with our miracle, our third Phelan munchkin - Virginia Grace. We're bringing the Southern tradition of double names to So Cal. We named her "Virginia" because we love Virginia the state and the University and because we long for her to be "pure" as her name means. We named her "Grace" because we pray she will know the grace of Jesus all the days of her life and be a lady of grace. Also, my best childhood friend, Kate, has "Grace" as her middle name, so we hope our VG takes after her. Virginia Grace has been such a peaceful, laid back baby and a great source of joy for all of us that love her, especially Protective Big Brother Ford and Proud, Not-always-gentle Sister Milly.

It has been quite a while since my last post. There are many reasons for that:

• Two little tornadoes tearing through our house, leaving trails of dirt and sand and crayon tips and hairy Play Doh and Lincoln logs that feel great on your bare feet
• My big belly filled with "Easter" that made it difficult for me to even reach the keyboard
• The busyness and excitement of our "other baby," a.k.a Harbor Church
• But mostly, the dark season of depression that I walked through for the last 5 months of my pregnancy. It was a valley, to say the least, but He "was WITH me" and brought me "THROUGH the valley." ~ Psalm 23 It sure is great to be on the other side of the valley; but I can truly say that I am thankful for all that God so tenderly gave me in the valley, for all that He did in me and in our marriage in the valley, and for His power displayed in His deliverance from the valley.

Deliverance always follows the pain, just as a precious child is delivered after the intense labor of childbirth. It's so worth it, yet so hard. Our "Easter" was delivered on January 2, 2010. What a glorious moment. I decided to go for "natural childbirth", and I am so glad that I did. Sounds crazy, but the natural labor pains made the delivery all the more glorious in a strange way, just as my depression has made the miraculous gift of our "Easter" more gracious to me. I was so worried during my depression that I was going to cause "Easter" to be a sad baby in some way. She is quite the opposite. She is JOY all over. What a picture of God's abundant, undeserved grace. Soon after I came through the depression, I was put on bed rest for high blood pressure, about 3 weeks before my due date. That actually was quite a precious time that the Lord provided for me to rest in His care and in the care of my dear husband and sweet mom, a time for me to learn to receive from my amazing friends while not being able to give anything back in return, and a time for me to ponder the season of Advent. The word Advent means "coming." I saw God "coming" to me in so many ways:

• He CAME to me in early December and lifted me miraculously from the pit of depression. Psalm 61:2 captures the desperation I felt. "From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." God showed up, as always, and He used weekly counseling; crying out in anguish; weeping with my amazing husband; giving up on my own self-effort and giving in to His good arms; relying on faithful friends; admitting my great weakness and my real fears; others' prayers for me; the solid, reliable Word of God; friends cooking for me and taking me to Old Navy to buy staple clothes for Ford and Milly; and many other avenues, to heal me and to "lift me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." ~Psalm 40:2
  
• He CAME to me in the bed rest and whispered tender words of His care for me. He gently fathered me and nurtured my weary soul, preparing me to climb the mountain of childbirth. I had the gift of much-needed time to ponder, as Mary did. Bed rest was like the schooling I needed to better learn the skill of receiving and resting. I'm grateful that I got to be a student at that school.
  
• Most amazingly, He CAME to me in the form of a helpless baby in order to set me free and to give me life. As Tim Keller says, "God became SOFT at Christmas." Our Virginia Grace is so soft, and she points me to Jesus, who loved me enough to become a lowly, soft infant so that I might live FOREVER with Him in my rich, true Home.
  
• He CAME to the Phelan Phamily through the astounding gift of our Easter's "wonderfully made" life. Our Easter holiday was one to remember. What a picture of new life and grace our little "Easter" gave us.
  
• He COMES to us daily with grace upon grace.
• And, He IS COMING again one day to make all things right!

I long for that glorious Day.

Healthy 20-week sonogram!!

We are so thankful that "Easter" was strong and healthy at our 20-week sonogram last week. It was so special to see him/her and see that heart pumping so strong. The doctor said everything looks great! God is so faithfully knitting little Easter together in my womb. THank you all for being so interested in Easter and our pregnancy. Easter moves all of the time, and it's so fun that Daddy, Ford, and Milly can feel him moving now. Ford and Milly love to blow on my tummy and make silly sounds to make Easter laugh:) Thanks for your excitement and prayers.

Easter's "Just Hanging Out" at 12 1/2 Weeks

We were JOYFUL, proud parents today as we watched little Easter move all around the womb. Easter was showing off for Mama and Daddy at our appointment this morning. He/she was all balled up and then stretched way out, extending his legs as far as they'd go. Our doctor typed "Just Hanging Out" on the songram picture. Then Easter wanted us to see his backside, so he rolled over for us and gave us a view of his beautiful spinal cord:) Then he rolled back over so we could see his sweet profile one more time. Stephen and I both have a hunch that it's a boy, but we don't want to find out until he or she comes into the world. That is one of Stephen's favorite roles - announcing "It's a BOY." or "It's a GIRL." He was so good at that job when Milly was born that he yelled, "It's a boy!" Our doctor had to quickly say, "Try again , Stephen. That's the umbilical cord." He says that his tear-filled eyes and the pressure got in the way of his seeing clearly. Yesterday, I did the 'ole ring test and the Chinese chart for fun to see what they say Easter's gender will be, and both said, "Boy." We will be thrilled with a healthy boy or girl. We feel so excited and relieved to have seen a strong heart beat today. Easter measured 12 weeks, 6 days which is 4 days bigger than my dates say he is. So, all is well. Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Keep praying for Easter as God is "knitting him together in my womb." Psalm 139

Healthy 8-week Heartbeat!

Thank you, God! We saw Easter's healthy heartbeat this morning! THe baby measured 8 weeks, 1 day, just as he or she should be. (Stephen and I both have a gut feeling that it's a boy. Who knows. We'll have to wait until around January 5th to find out. We both love surprises.) The doctor said everything looks strong and healthy. We head back for another sonogram on Monday, June 15th, and we'll be 11 weeks then. That would be HUGE milestone in this baby's life and ours:) Our third baby miscarried at 10 1/2 weeks, so we will really feel relieved at the 11-week sonogram to see another healthy heart beating. Thank you for your prayers and love. Of course, we are so happy and hopeful. " Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to know him.
"As surely as the sun rises, he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth."

~Hosea 6:3

Disneyland Family Trip

Our Family Trip to Disneyland was incredible! We all 4 were "so excited." It was such a special time for us to watch Ford and Milly gaze at Mickey Mouse, to encourage them to try their first rollercoaster, to share in their joy at the festive character's parade down Main Street, and so much more. Ford's favorite was the train ride through Dinosaur Land, Milly's favorite was visiting the princesses, Mama's favorite was It's a Small World, and Daddy's was going on the rollercoaster with the kiddos. It really is a magical place.

Easter's Healthy Heartbeat

      Thank you for your prayers for us and for our big appointment this past Thursday.  We are thrilled that our little one has a strong and healthy heartbeat of 130 beats/minute.  Our wonderful doctor said, "I am excited!  Everything looks so great."  Easter is 7 mm and about 7 weeks old.  His/her due date should be around January 5th.  What a great New Year's Gift that will be.  Ford and Milly were truly excited to see Easter's first "family photo", as Dr. Dietze called the sonogram.  As you can see in the pictures below, Ford and Milly have begun playing with baby dolls together a lot more.  Ford even asked if he could have a baby in his tummy:) We keep telling him that he is going to be a great Daddy one day.  Milly does love to play with her baby dolls, but she is also quite a mess and not so graceful as a "Mama."  :)  

        We head back for another sonogram on Wed., May 27th at 9:30 am our time.  That will really be a big milestone heartbeat, because 2 of our 4 miscarriages were right around 8 weeks, and we will be 8 1/2 weeks at that appointment.  (One of our miscarriages was at 10 weeks and one at 6 weeks.)  We continue to cherish your prayers and excitement.  We have JOY knowing that God is in complete and utter control of our lives.

Phelan Baby #7

        Yes!  God has blessed us with our 7th little life.  We are pregnant!  We have four babies in heaven, our miracle children Ford and Milly, and now this new life in my womb.  Seven is the number of perfection in the Bible:)  I am only about 6 weeks pregnant.  Some might wonder, "Why share so early, especially when you know you have a high chance of miscarriage with your chromosome condition (Balanced Reciprocal Translocation of the 2nd and 18th chromosomes - my chromosomes are a bit wacky, explaining my wackiness:)  ) ?"  On the other hand, we have grown to say, "We must share the news, because we can't walk this road alone.  We need our family, friends, and community around us and praying."  So, we are letting the news "out" - we are expecting!!  We have had 3 blood tests for my hormone levels, and they looked great.  They went from 612 to 1200 to 8816 in a span of 5 days.  Yikes.  That makes my short and agitated attitude more justifiable.  Ha. Ha.  We also have had one sonogram, and the little that Dr. Dietze could see looked good.  We have another sonogram on Thursday, May 14, and we should see a heart beat by that point.  Of course, we are already nervous about that appointment.  Sonograms have been the source of great pain for us, but we are so thankful for all of the beautiful sonograms we had with our Milly, who is now 2 1/2 and feisty and "wacky" like her mama. Stephen and I have been nervous to engage in these 2 weeks of pregnancy because we want to avoid pain and guard our hearts.  But, God has begun to lead us to embrace and enjoy this little gift in my womb.  We have always given our babies little "pet names" when we've been pregnant so as to have a name to call them.  It has helped us to bond with the baby in womb and to really cherish our four children once we miscarried.  Our first we called Buddy, but when we found out it was a girl after she was tested following the D & C procedure, we named her Buddy Grace.  Our second baby, which we never found out the sex of, we named Mary Ella after my great Aunt (Goggy's sister) Mary Ella, who died right when we miscarried.  Our third we called Tiger.   This was probably the hardest of all the miscarriages, not that any weren't extremely hard, because we saw Tiger's heartbeat a couple of times and even saw him wiggle his little fanny.  I will never forget that special sonogram moment.  I am getting a tear in my eye thinking of it now.  Tiger was tested after I miscarried, and he was a boy, with chromosome abnormalities as well.  His full name is Tiger Rushing Phelan, Rushing being Stephen's grandmother's last name who died right when we miscarried.  Our fourth we named Wilbur Herman Phelan after Stephen's grandad Wilbur Herman Carlisle who died around the time we miscarried.  We call him "God's Will."  It was almost like God gave our precious babies loved ones to go Home with.  We called Milly "Sibby" while she was in my womb since she was Ford's sibling.  So, we came up with a name on our date this past Friday night.  We are calling this baby "Easter" while it's in our womb because God gave it to us around Easter.  This will not be the real name for this little one when he comes into the world:)   "We just told Ford and Milly about the baby in Mama's tummy this morning, and they both have seemed to understand as much as they can about Easter.  Ford said as I tucked him in tonight, "I want to hold my baby."  It was a special time when they touched my tummy with Daddy and prayed for the new baby. 
         As I type, the song "Blessed Be Your Name" just came on Pandora. com.  This song has meant a lot to us (Thanks, Janna).  One line says, "When the darkness closes in, still I will say, 'Blessed be Your Name."  That is tough to do, but we long to always say those words from our heart.  Another line in the song that comes from the book of Job says, "You give and take away.  Blessed be Your Name."

Job 1:21
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

That's a tough verse, because I know God doesn't cause miscarriages. Miscarriages weren't intended for the Garden of Eden that God created us for or for our true Home one day in the new heavens and new earth.  

Isaiah 65

¹⁷ "'Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.  ^{19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. 20 Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; 23 They will not toil in vain or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,  they and their descendants with them. 24 Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. 25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox,  but dust will be the serpent's food.  They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,' says the LORD."}

        I can't wait until that day - no more tears or death!  I do, however, know that God allowed our miscarriages here on earth, and I have surely wrestled with Him, thanks to my most amazing counselor, Diana, helping me learn to do this.   I also know that He powerfully turns the table on the evil of miscarriage and brings about good and glory far beyond our understanding.  Our 2 miracles, Ford and Milly, are proof of that.  Our pastor Dick Kaufmann and his wonderful wife Liz, have wept on our shoulders with us after our miscarriages, and Dick said though tears, "The cross is proof that God can mysteriously turn the table on evil.  The most evil event in all of history, the Son of God being crucified, was transformed in to the most glorious event in all of history for us who believe in Jesus as our great Savior and Friend."  So, we have asked God to help us bless His Name after our four children have been "taken away" from my womb and taken to heaven early, and we surely blessed His name after we received the greatest phone call of our lives from Grace, our social worker at Bethany Christian Service, on February 9, 2006 - "A birth mother has picked your portfolio, and you have a son, and he was born YESTERDAY!" Stephen thought I had accepted some timeshare or something, because I kept saying ecstatically, "YES! YES! WE are in!!  Yes.  We accept. We are coming!"  We also surely blessed God's Name after Milly Carlisle Phelan was born healthily on November 24, 2006. God has blessed us above or beyond what we could have ever asked  for or imagined.  And, He has carried us through the valleys of grief.  

      So...here we are again.  I went to see my counselor Diana today, and I am so thankful for her life-changing words of wisdom and Truth that she shared with me today.  I want to share them with you:

        "Love hurts.  We see that on the cross.  I see a fearless boldness in the way you love that is Gospel-centered.  This is evidenced in the way you have shared Ford's adoption story with him and tried to help him know his birth parents, and in all of your pregnancies.  Embrace Easter.  It's scary because love hurts and the outcome of this pregnancy is not a sure thing.  But, God has given you little Easter, and how are you going to steward this gift?  Speak to Easter's spirit because when a baby is conceived it has a spirit, and spirit communicates with spirit.  Pray for all the things parents would pray for in any pregnancy.  Sing over Easter.   

        Grief over a lost child shows that the child had an impact on you, and the grief shows respect to that child and says, 'There was a child and I entered in.'  Bradford, your four miscarried children changed your life.  You are a different person because of their lives.  In a culture that devalues life - babies are left in dumpsters, Octomom, abortion - you can show the value of life by embracing Easter and sharing this little life with others and by nurturing its precious life in your womb.  John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth's womb when he heard the news of Jesus' upcoming birth.  Babies are very aware in the womb.  You and Stephen are investing in a life that you are going to see in eternity one day.  Imagine the day when y'all see your 4 miscarried babies in heaven.  Maybe they'll relay to you how you ministered to them while they were with you in your womb.   What other options do you have besides embracing Easter but backing off and distancing yourself?  No. ENJOY AND INVEST in Easter.  Pray for holy boldness to love this child.  It's a joyful time.  You are pregnant!  Why not enjoy this time?  Ford and Milly can even minister to their brother or sister (Ford thinks it's a boy and Milly thinks it's a girl) as they sing songs to the baby."

[Quick side note about Milly's songs that she sings:  I overheard Milly today singing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" with a new twist.  "Mary had to disobey, disobey, disobey.  Mary had to disobey, (and I couldn't quite understand her mumbled last verse)."  She's our typical second child who pushes the limits and kinda likes to disobey Mama and Daddy.]

Back to Diana's last words from our session: "Dan Allender says that "Denial" is creating a reality of your own and asking God to bless it.  "Reality" is where you are, and God is a God of reality and is there with you.  We should want to be where God is now - in reality.  God has been glorified in your losses, adoption, and birth and we've seen Him, and we ask that He'll be glorified in this pregnancy and that we,too, will SEE HIM."

Pray for us and Easter.  We all need your prayers.  Pray that God will be glorified, that we'll see more of His love. Pray that we'll have the fearless, holy boldness to love, enjoy, and invest in Easter, and that we will hold Easter come early January.  Thanks for reading my first blog post.  I won't always write this much:)  And thank you, ERIN, for creating our Phelan Phamily Phun blog.  You are so creative and we are grateful!  B

Phelan Phamily Phun

This is the first post for the Phelan Phamily just to give the general feel of the blog. B, I'm so glad you are starting a blog...makes San Diego feel so much closer! love you! e